Friday, September 4, 2009


Ten long years have passed since Devdas Mukherjee left the shores of his motherland for England, and today he is returning home after a brief stint at Oxford University. His childhood playmate Parvati is thrilled to hear of his return; finally he will see how she has grown into a beautiful flower since he last saw her. Her mother, Shumitra, with her long hair shining in excitement, eagerly looks out the window. Says she, “Methinks I will get Paro and Deva married pronto! Shotti!”

Paro, hearing this, lowers her eyes in shyness, her lashes flickering with pleasure.

At Zamindar Narayan Mukherjee’s house, Devdas’s mother Kaushalya is waiting with her puja thali for her beloved son to arrive. But no! He has gone to Paro’s place to take a look at the stained-glass windows that adorn her house. “Sacrilege!” she screams, and flings the puja thali in despair.

Devdas meanwhile has reached Paro’s house. With all the passion of a young lover, he seeks to embrace Paro, but how can he, when a fly is infesting the air with its pestilential presence, and trying to sit on her skin? He takes Paro to task.
“Paro, I like not those other living things that try to touch you”, says he ardently.

“Ish! Go then, for I will show my face only when the moon comes!” says Paro.

Shumitra hears this exchange, and vows, “tonight I will ask Kaushalya and seal this love between Devdas and Paro. Ish! But before that I must do the dance of death, so that Kaushalya will just not be able to refuse!”

That night, after performing the dance of death, when only Kaushalya is alive and standing, Shumitra proposes the marriage of Devdas and Paro. Kaushalya, for the second time, flings the puja thali, and says “Never! Never will my Deva be married off in a household that has less stained-glass than us!”

Shumitra is stupefied, her great teeth are quivering in anger, but gathering her senses, she retorts, “Catastrophe! Cataclysm! Kaushalya, you know not what you say. But I vow to you, that in seven days from now, I will get Paro married into a much richer household, that has not stained-glass, no, but Saint Gobain Glass. Ha!”

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Things you’ll never hear them say

Some things you’ll never hear our celebrities say:

Shah Rukh Khan, on winning the Best Actor award:
I humbly declare that I alone do not deserve this coveted award. Considering the brilliance and talent of the other actors nominated along with me, I feel compelled to share this award with them. This one is for you, guys.

Kareena Kapoor
I know that I am not drop-dead gorgeous. In fact I frequently look at the mirror and say to myself, “How dare you look so pitiful?” I don’t even dance too well and my directors are often forced to re-shoot some scenes. I have failed so many times on the first take.

Salman Khan
I would like to clear this misconception that I love Aishwarya – I do not. Any affection I have for her is of a friendly nature. I never pursued her with the hope of winning her love, and I certainly never subjected her to any physical abuse. Only once I had slapped her (though not very hard) when she steadfastly refused to hand over to me the last remaining bottle of whiskey in the house. She said that if she gave it to me I would drink it and then promptly run over it while driving. What Nonsense! When she knows I don’t care for anything but big bucks!

Sabeer Bhatia (remember him?)
Aishwarya? I don’t want to marry Aishwarya. Why do you think I would want to? Just because of what you media people write? I have no such feelings for her.
By the way, you don’t happen to have her hotmail id do you?

Aamir Khan, on winning a Best Actor award sponsored by any film magazine
I am delighted to accept this [Film Magazine] Best Actor award. I am a regular reader of [Film Magazine] and today I wish to salute them in their single-minded devotion to spreading malicious gossip to all the remote corners of India.

Bipasha Basu/Dino Morea/ Diya Mirza/Arjun Rampal
Yes, I agree that models cannot act. In fact I believe it is time we accepted this fact and tried to improve our acting skills, as we cannot be expected to ride on our sex symbol status forever.

Dr. Sriram Nene
Over the last few months, I have consciously taken the effort to spare some time and have finally finished watching all of Madhuri’s films. And I must say I give her credit for the quality of her acting and exposure, er, composure.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali
I truly apologise to all those who feel offended in any way at my interpretation of the Sarat Chandra Chatterjee classic Devdas. Having devoted much thought to the matter, I now realize that my film focused excessively on the opulence and grandeur, rather than on the essence of the novel.